These Were Not Serious People
My buddy GT is reading Emily Wilson’s translation of The Odyssey (“easy reading, accurate translation, and iambic pentameter throughout”). He noted that Christopher Nolan is making a film about it and worried about the Gods getting excised from the adaptation. Here’s a poster.
Noting the subtitle, he continues:
No, Chris. Don’t “Defy the gods.”
Athena, Hermes, and Zeus actively help him throughout. Sure, Helios and Poseidon try to kill him but, well, that was because “Odysseus had the dumbest fucking crew of anyone who ever sailed the goddamn ocean” (to quote one of my professors).
adding that he wished he could communicate the “total venom” the Professor injected into “dumbest fucking crew”. I find mediocrity, innate or exercised, exceedingly funny. My friend knows this and goes on to make my afternoon.
"Hey, guys. This bag is a gift from those magic people. It holds every possible wind that would oppose our trip home. We’ll be home in a few hours. Don’t fuck with it.”
Later: “He’s sleeping. Maybe there’s treasure in the bag.”
*Ship is blown disastrously off course. Two hours of sailing becomes ten years.*
“Hey, guys. Athena says don’t slaughter and eat those cattle. They belong to the fucking god who controls the goddamn sun. Look, I also have a shitload of fruit and nuts to tide us over.”
Later: “He’s sleeping. Let’s eat them cows.”
*They all get murdered by a hot, angry sun god and their ship gets destroyed.*
Dumbest. Fucking. Crew. That professor also pointed out that every single horrible thing happens when Odysseus falls asleep.
“I’m gonna take a nap.”
Later: “What did you dumb motherfuckers do now?”
It’s like King Agamemnon said, “Alright, everyone, let’s pack up our shit and take our fleets home. Hey, Odysseus, a word: you’re the smartest guy I’ve ever met. Let’s, uh, balance out the fleets’ IQs. You take these guys.”
*Odysseus looks over and sees them bending over and devouring sand from the beach.*
“Oh, Athena, help me.”
I imagine this is what that last scene looked like.
