Soviet Jokes
Comrade Major
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
“Comrade major, we want some tea to Room 62 please.”
His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night’s rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds, “Well, comrade major did quite like your tea joke.”
Productivity in the Fatherland
A spy goes to Lubyanka (headquarters of the Soviet secret police in Moscow) and says:
— I’m a spy, I want to turn myself in.
— Who do you work for?
— America.
— OK, go to room 5.
He goes to room 5 and says:
— I’m an American spy. I want to turn myself in.
— Are you armed?
— Yes, I’m armed.
— Go to room 7, please.
He goes to room 7 and says:
— I am an American spy, I’m armed, I want to turn myself in.
— Do you have a communication device?
— Yes.
— Go to room 20.
He goes to room 20 and says:
— I’m an american spy, I’m armed, i have a communication device and I want to turn myself in.
— Have you been sent on a mission?
— Yes.
— Well, get out and go do it! Stop bothering people while they’re working!
Off to the Gulag
Secretary Poskrebyshev is standing outside the Kremlin as Marshal Zhukov leaves a meeting with Stalin. He hears him muttering under his breath, “Murderous moustache!”
He runs in to see Stalin and breathlessly reports, “I just heard Zhukov say ‘Murderous moustache’!” Stalin dismisses the secretary and sends for Zhukov, who comes back in.
“Who did you have in mind with ‘Murderous moustache’?” asks Stalin. “Why, Josef Vissarionovich, Hitler, of course!”
Stalin thanks him, dismisses him, and calls the secretary back. “And who did you think he was talking about?”
Jewish Jokes
Moishe
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.
Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by.
He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says:
“My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite.”
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!”